It is always an odd feeling to wake up and be clear headed after so long. I guess the easiest way for me to explain what I mean by that is this…think about being in an almost constant state of brain fog then one day there is a gap in the clouds. There are times you know you need to do something and are ready to go…but cant due to some reason or another blocking your forward progression. Sometimes when I need to do the simplest of tasks it always felt like squirrel brain kicked in and then the shiny object would distract me…but the job got done.
Have you ever been dead asleep and wake up angry at yourself because of something you said or did in your dream? I was having a nice sleep run where I was actually getting a few solid nights of sleep then wham that skewed things. You are probably thinking to yourself…how in the hell does a dream cause you to go off the rails that easy? When you get a random thing to obsess over sometimes it happens to be present when you are only asleep and that causes weird reactions in your brain. After a few days of dealing with this it gets kind of old quick but you eventually learn how to work around it and the lack of sleep caused by all of it. You either go full tilt and hope things stay on the rails till you crash out peacefully (sleep) or you try to head things off and medicate prior to make the whole thing a bit easier to deal with.
When you think back on past actions in your life that you have experienced – it allows you to sometimes rethink how things should have been handled and what you learned from it in the long run. I was trapped in a loop of thoughts trying to not get lost in the negative of it all but it slowly started to consume my sleep at all times. I have to chuckle a bit after all of the pain and the thoughts flooded back in outside of sleep. I know I torture myself over dumb things but it seems we all have ways of dealing with things – some internalize them deep inside (which is not good) – some let it all out (better for some than others) – then you have those who compensate (which replaces the issue with another). I am 100% guilty of doing all 3 of them but I more so have been on the compensation train the past 10+ years. I have taken things I see as negative in my life and turned them into something else albeit not always a better choice but that is how we learn.
A few of you have seen me start to lose my footing over the past 5 or so years and thankfully have been able to help trip me up enough to let me get out of my own way. Some of you have seen me at the point of a hard spiral out and talked me off of that edge before I fully crashed out. My life has not been the best over the past 5-6 years but that is something that I caused and I will deal with….you people are just along for the ride until you unbuckle and jump out.