So I have never been one to talk about my feelings or admit that I need help but those who know me well, know I will do anything in my power for family and true friends. I figured it was time to say a bit more about one of my last posts since I got more info.
Doctors overall diagnosis is that I have severe anxiety and severe depression. I have done well hiding issues over the past few years but the beginning of this month was a rough blow and it kicked right back into overdrive. I don’t know how to talk to people about these things and I have tried talking to therapists but they just end up pissing me off. I am sorry if I have pushed people away who have tried to help me in the past…I suck at asking for help and when I do I don’t always listen. I am not happy with my life at all or where I am at this point in life…if it were not for London I would disappear probably never to be heard from again. I have no real friends here – the few people I do know I don’t hang out with. I suck at socializing and working from home has made it worse…I don’t see people daily and I have zero interest in it either. I did try to socialize and take down the walls recently but in the end it was just like before….my hopes were built up and I felt like things were finally taking an upswing..had someone in my corner who knew me and my odd quirks…someone who actually cared about me…then the rug pull. I actually made valid attempts to be a better person and to think about someone else’s needs while trying to build something but it didn’t work out like intended. When an issue arose I actually attempted to stop and talk about things but it was not reciprocated in the end either which led me to where I am now.
Depression sucks and trying to hide it sucks worse…I am always irritable and on edge, the slightest things can take me from 0-100 in a matter of seconds. Mix that with meds that are supposed to help even that out along with your other meds and someone might call you spacey all the time…or hell even absent minded. Yeah it causes a little squirrel brain when you don’t know the reason behind it but once you know what makes you happy then you do that instead. I would rather smoke some trees and know I can control myself instead of over medicating and still feeling even more miserable. People don’t like the smell of the good trees or how it causes some people to be less uptight and giggly because “you are under the influence” – no it is someone trying to help control things in their life they normally do not have control of.
Have you ever felt an overall sense of failure? I do a lot these days, I can’t help but run scenarios through my head over and over which causes me to spiral out worse. Then the OCD portion kicks in and I end up just non stop hyper obsessing about every single thing I think I did wrong which doesn’t help any situation. I end up not sleeping or eating…that makes me forget why I’m stressing after I finally crash out from exhaustion and fatigue.
Im not sure where I was going with this whole thing other than sharing some of my issues with those of you who care…also those of you who don’t and just tolerate me for whatever reason. I don’t expect anyone to feel bad for me – so don’t think this is a pity party for me. As much as I hate therapists I listened to the one who said try to talk about your thoughts in any way possible so this is what you get.